Update

I wanted to do a quick blog post so you know I'm still alive. I've been very tired and possibly fighting off a virus, but I'm doing okay. I've been working a lot and it's been really exhausting to me. I guess going from no work to part-time to full-time in such a short period of time has taken a toll on me.

I saw my psychiatrist last week and we figured that taking an extra dose of medication per day wasn't helping at all, so I'm back to my regular three per day and don't feel any different. I'm staying positive and my friends are helping me to get back out there and back into the "normal" world by helping me and taking me out to eat, which is my biggest challenge with anxiety. I'm terrified of vomiting in public and I always get nauseous when I have anxiety so you can see how this can be a vicious circle. I'm always well equiped with my protective anti-nausea arsenal in my purse: a puke bag, ginger pills, mints, minty gum, pepto bismol, cocculine, and gravol (ginger-based non-drowsy one). Sometimes I even carry Tetley Ginger-Mint tea bags with me in case I get nauseous it usually helps me.

I know that there is a term for fear of throwing up called emetophobia, but I'm not sure if that's what I have nor do I want to put a label on it. I've put so many labels on myself throughout my life I really want to stop doing that. Nausea is my biggest symptom when I get anxious or nervous so I always make sure to have and do everything humanly possible to control those feelings. The funny thing is...I've never actually thrown up in all of these situations where I feel so incredibly nauseous (unless I've been sick due an actual virus). I know that a lot of it's in my head and now I'm trying to control my thoughts towards this as well as my anxiety in general.

The thought of ever being pregnant and dealing with morning sickness makes me queasy. I'm not sure how it'll be, especially because you can't take time off work for morning sickness. I'm not pregnant, but my husband and I do want kids in the next few years. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. The important thing is that I'm working on it...and me...little by little.

I made it!

Well, I went to the engagement party last night and after fighting much anxiety and nausea caused by anxiety, I managed to make it through. Of course I always know I'm going to be able to do it (without throwing up too, mind you), but dealing with an anxiety disorder, these thoughts become magnified 1000 per cent and everything becomes so much more dramatic and I know a lot of people don't understand this, but it is very scary. Putting myself out there to socialize and mingle with 50 or so odd people, most of whom I've never met before, is really scary. It's true that some people without anxiety disorders may also find it scary, but for someone who fears about going to events like this or being in social situations due to a fear of vomiting in public, this sensation is severely heightened.

I have never actually vomited in public, mind you, except for one time in a restaurant when I was about 10 years old, but that single experience had stayed with me until now - almost 18 years later - and it's still so hard for me to go into a restaurant and eat. And since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, nausea has become a big part of my symptoms and the reason I avoid so many things, like public transportation, malls, and standing in lines. For a long time I was afraid to shop in grocery stores...but I don't want anxiety to control me and I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. I'm trying to put myself out there and go to my edge. It is so hard and it's taking so long. I am lucky because I have a great support system in my husband, best friend and her fiance and family, but I know my anxiety has been hard on them too, and not being able to fully understand what I'm going through is tough, but I thank my lucky stars that they are in my life because I'm afraid that I would be much worse off if they weren't.