Update

I wanted to do a quick blog post so you know I'm still alive. I've been very tired and possibly fighting off a virus, but I'm doing okay. I've been working a lot and it's been really exhausting to me. I guess going from no work to part-time to full-time in such a short period of time has taken a toll on me.

I saw my psychiatrist last week and we figured that taking an extra dose of medication per day wasn't helping at all, so I'm back to my regular three per day and don't feel any different. I'm staying positive and my friends are helping me to get back out there and back into the "normal" world by helping me and taking me out to eat, which is my biggest challenge with anxiety. I'm terrified of vomiting in public and I always get nauseous when I have anxiety so you can see how this can be a vicious circle. I'm always well equiped with my protective anti-nausea arsenal in my purse: a puke bag, ginger pills, mints, minty gum, pepto bismol, cocculine, and gravol (ginger-based non-drowsy one). Sometimes I even carry Tetley Ginger-Mint tea bags with me in case I get nauseous it usually helps me.

I know that there is a term for fear of throwing up called emetophobia, but I'm not sure if that's what I have nor do I want to put a label on it. I've put so many labels on myself throughout my life I really want to stop doing that. Nausea is my biggest symptom when I get anxious or nervous so I always make sure to have and do everything humanly possible to control those feelings. The funny thing is...I've never actually thrown up in all of these situations where I feel so incredibly nauseous (unless I've been sick due an actual virus). I know that a lot of it's in my head and now I'm trying to control my thoughts towards this as well as my anxiety in general.

The thought of ever being pregnant and dealing with morning sickness makes me queasy. I'm not sure how it'll be, especially because you can't take time off work for morning sickness. I'm not pregnant, but my husband and I do want kids in the next few years. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. The important thing is that I'm working on it...and me...little by little.

The link between pesticides and anxiety/depression

I have been doing a lot of research over the past few days, trying to find out what other routes I could take to lessen my daily anxieties: seeing another psychotherapist, seeing a Naturopathic Doctor, hypnosis, acupuncture...a myriad of things. I wanted to check out everything and anything that could help me. Then I stumbled upon one therapist in Toronto that usually asks her anxiety/depression clients about their diet...to which she recommends they try a diet full of organic foods and in short periods of time they start to feel a lot better. So I continued on this path and found out that there have been links between pesticides (used in normal grocery store produce, for example) and anxiety/depression.

I've never been much of a sugar person, but sugar has also been linked to depression for years. I basically continues researching organic foods and anxiety and I'm wondering if that would help me. Although organic food here is very expensive, which is probably why I've never tried it. Have you ever eaten organic food and found that it helps you with your mood disorder? Basically, through my research I've been warned of pesticides used in produce, and to stay away from sugar, caffeine, products made of white flour, not to eat pork or margerine or drink cow's milk...it became such a long list of things I shouldn't consume that I got really frustrated. I'm not shy when it comes to trying new things (organic food, for example), I simply wanted to know if it would really be beneficial for me or just a waste of money?

I found this information to be very interesting, and I want to know if you have tried any of the things I mentioned looking up when I was conducting my research. Please leave me a comment about which one it was and how the experience is/was for you. I am seriously considering seeing a Naturopathic Doctor at least to see what they say (plus it's covered by my husband's insurance plan). I'd like to hear your story. :)

First post of 2009

I hope you had a great New Years eve and New Years day. My New Years celebrations were good. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to my New Years eve get-together with some friends. Of course the anticipation was far worse than the actual outcome, but that's what we anxiety sufferers have to realize, right? That the anticipation of situations is always worse in our minds. I still have a long way to go in terms of mentally realizing this, but knowing that this is how it is is part of the battle towards recovery, right?

For me, I turn to my faith in many difficult situations when I feel so alone and full of despair. If nothing else, I feel that it helps me to be able to pray that things will get better and knowing that God will listen to me without judgment. Not knowing many people personally who are going through the same thing as me is very difficult. I have a great support system in my family and friends, but many of them have no idea what I am truly dealing with on a daily basis so it's hard to have to explain what it's like.

It's nice to have people to talk to via blogs and support groups, but I would really like to be able to talk to people that I know in person. To be able to go through ups and downs and know that the other person supports and understands is huge. I know that everyone with anxiety disorders have different issues that affect them or have different symptoms of it, but we can still help each other cope.

I haven't seen a therapist in months...partly because of cost and partly because we can't find a mutually convenient time to connect. I thought I was doing better and didn't need it, but as I find myself having to cope on my own I feel like I need a bit more guidance. We'll see. I hope 2009 is a better year than last, and I wish all my readers a great year to come!