The link between pesticides and anxiety/depression

I have been doing a lot of research over the past few days, trying to find out what other routes I could take to lessen my daily anxieties: seeing another psychotherapist, seeing a Naturopathic Doctor, hypnosis, acupuncture...a myriad of things. I wanted to check out everything and anything that could help me. Then I stumbled upon one therapist in Toronto that usually asks her anxiety/depression clients about their diet...to which she recommends they try a diet full of organic foods and in short periods of time they start to feel a lot better. So I continued on this path and found out that there have been links between pesticides (used in normal grocery store produce, for example) and anxiety/depression.

I've never been much of a sugar person, but sugar has also been linked to depression for years. I basically continues researching organic foods and anxiety and I'm wondering if that would help me. Although organic food here is very expensive, which is probably why I've never tried it. Have you ever eaten organic food and found that it helps you with your mood disorder? Basically, through my research I've been warned of pesticides used in produce, and to stay away from sugar, caffeine, products made of white flour, not to eat pork or margerine or drink cow's milk...it became such a long list of things I shouldn't consume that I got really frustrated. I'm not shy when it comes to trying new things (organic food, for example), I simply wanted to know if it would really be beneficial for me or just a waste of money?

I found this information to be very interesting, and I want to know if you have tried any of the things I mentioned looking up when I was conducting my research. Please leave me a comment about which one it was and how the experience is/was for you. I am seriously considering seeing a Naturopathic Doctor at least to see what they say (plus it's covered by my husband's insurance plan). I'd like to hear your story. :)

First post of 2009

I hope you had a great New Years eve and New Years day. My New Years celebrations were good. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to my New Years eve get-together with some friends. Of course the anticipation was far worse than the actual outcome, but that's what we anxiety sufferers have to realize, right? That the anticipation of situations is always worse in our minds. I still have a long way to go in terms of mentally realizing this, but knowing that this is how it is is part of the battle towards recovery, right?

For me, I turn to my faith in many difficult situations when I feel so alone and full of despair. If nothing else, I feel that it helps me to be able to pray that things will get better and knowing that God will listen to me without judgment. Not knowing many people personally who are going through the same thing as me is very difficult. I have a great support system in my family and friends, but many of them have no idea what I am truly dealing with on a daily basis so it's hard to have to explain what it's like.

It's nice to have people to talk to via blogs and support groups, but I would really like to be able to talk to people that I know in person. To be able to go through ups and downs and know that the other person supports and understands is huge. I know that everyone with anxiety disorders have different issues that affect them or have different symptoms of it, but we can still help each other cope.

I haven't seen a therapist in months...partly because of cost and partly because we can't find a mutually convenient time to connect. I thought I was doing better and didn't need it, but as I find myself having to cope on my own I feel like I need a bit more guidance. We'll see. I hope 2009 is a better year than last, and I wish all my readers a great year to come!

The past couple weeks...recap

I've been a bit of a blog slacker these past couple of weeks. My husband was really sick with brinchitis and we spent a lot of time going to see various doctors at walk-in clinics and even ended up in the ER as he reacted really badly to two of the antibiotics he was prescribed. Not fun! Oh yeah - my birthday fell in there somewhere but I spent it taking care of sickie over here. It was relaxing, nonetheless.

On Friday (after much encouragement from my therapist) I confronted my psychiatrist with some of the problems I have been experiencing while being a patient of his. I have to tell you, I was so anxious leading up to my appointment. I sat in the waiting room with my notebook writing, "It's okay to be anxious" over and over again. By the time he called me in to see him my anxiety had subsided a lot.

So I sat down with him and told him that I wanted to talk to him about something before we started. I told him that on his summary report of my progress that he sent to my LTD insurance company that he stated to them that I am still working part time (the stipulation of them granting me LTD payment was that I could not be working at all; he and I had discused this several times before so imagine my suprise when I received a call from my insurance company) and I told him yet again that I am not working at all. He claims that he thought I was working part time from home.

I used this to continue...I told him that it seems to be a pattern every time I see him that he asks me many of the same questions that I've previously answered, and that he doesn't seem to remember things from appointment to appointment, and that it hurts me and makes me think that he doesn't care about me. I told him that I feel like we don't have much of a relationship or rapport, and I feel that I just come in to get my prescription and leave and I need more from him as a medical professional.

He told me that he hopes he's not like this with all his patients and he doesn't feel like he has a good grasp on my case because mine is "unique" (in the fact that my "panic attacks" are generally only severe episodes of nausea, and that I had tried many SSRIs prior to seeing him but was at too low of a dosage that I wasn't able to have a proper trial run to see if they really worked or not). He also said that when I come into see him that I look and act like things are going just fine and that I'm not having a lot of trouble with my anxiety. I told him that's probably because I've put up a front for so long because I never wanted people to know what I was dealing with, that I've learned to "act" like that so people wouldn't think that there was anything wrong with me.

He also said that he's concerned with how long I've been off work (I've been home for a year now; have been not working at all since January). So I told him that despite this, I feel sometimes when I see him that my back's up against a wall and that I don't want to feel pressured to go back to work (although I have yet to tell him that I might be considering working somewhere else when the time comes to go back into the workforce).

Regarding prescribing Zoloft for me (which can cause weight gain) after he knew I had problems with gaining weight on Effexor, he admitted that he had forgotten and that most patients of his who gain weight on meds ask him if it can cause weight gain every time he prescribes something new. Not that it's my fault that I didn't mention something, but I did tell him that I thought it was the responsibility for the doctor to make a note of it and keep it top of mind.

In conclusion, he tells me that he's going to schedule longer sessions for us so we can go through things more thoroughly. He said he's also going to review my file more carefully before each appointment. He increased my dosage of Celexa and advised me to try and look for a CBT psychotherapist that specializes in panic disorders because he thinks that will help in addition to my current therapy. Although any of them that are covered through OHIP there is like a year-long weight. Any suggestions?

He also apologized for the way he's been treating me and appreciated my feedback. So, despite my hesitation it was worthwhile to tell him how I was feeling, and now I feel that I expended so much energy being anxious for nothing.

Career Contemplation

I'm not sure if I'm actually ready to return to the workforce, but I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I think I should do, or where I feel that I should work. I've sort of come to the conclusion that aside from an environment that is not super stressful, location will play a big part in my decision. I know that I shouldn't let my anxiety control where I should work, but realistically, I have to think about the fact that my anxiety has relapsed in the past, and I know moving towards the future that I can't just stop working every time that happens. So, keeping that in mind, I know that it is important for me to find employment close to home (in walking distance, if possible).

With that said, I have recently applied to two administration jobs and one media job. I have not heard back from any of them yet, but I figure that at this stage, since I'm not certain I'm ready to go back to work now, I can allo myself to be selective in the jobs I apply for. My therapist, at our last session, suggested that while I am contemplating my next career move I should create a list of all the criteria I can think of that would make up my dream job. It could be as far out there as possible, and as materialistic or silly as I can think of, but what would make up my perfect job.

I know you're probably thinking, "What the heck is the point?" However, my therapist had a good point in making this suggestion. She said that if I visualize everything I want in a job, then I have a more clear idea in my head of what I'm looking for when I'm searching. Now I know that it is unlikely that I will get everything on my list, but having a wish list on paper may make it easier for me to narrow down all the thoughts dancing in my head about potential career choices.