Career Contemplation

I'm not sure if I'm actually ready to return to the workforce, but I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I think I should do, or where I feel that I should work. I've sort of come to the conclusion that aside from an environment that is not super stressful, location will play a big part in my decision. I know that I shouldn't let my anxiety control where I should work, but realistically, I have to think about the fact that my anxiety has relapsed in the past, and I know moving towards the future that I can't just stop working every time that happens. So, keeping that in mind, I know that it is important for me to find employment close to home (in walking distance, if possible).

With that said, I have recently applied to two administration jobs and one media job. I have not heard back from any of them yet, but I figure that at this stage, since I'm not certain I'm ready to go back to work now, I can allo myself to be selective in the jobs I apply for. My therapist, at our last session, suggested that while I am contemplating my next career move I should create a list of all the criteria I can think of that would make up my dream job. It could be as far out there as possible, and as materialistic or silly as I can think of, but what would make up my perfect job.

I know you're probably thinking, "What the heck is the point?" However, my therapist had a good point in making this suggestion. She said that if I visualize everything I want in a job, then I have a more clear idea in my head of what I'm looking for when I'm searching. Now I know that it is unlikely that I will get everything on my list, but having a wish list on paper may make it easier for me to narrow down all the thoughts dancing in my head about potential career choices.

*Sigh*

While trying to cope and get through my anxiety disorder I've spent a lot of time thinking. I feel that I'm at a sort of crossroads in my life and I'm not really sure what's next. I'm 80 per cent sure that I want to change career paths, but I'm not certain of what that is. Truth is, I would love to be able to counsel people who have anxiety issues as I would fully be able to understand what it is they are going through, but the trouble is I'm not wanting to go back to school in order to fulfill this dream. Nor do I have the money at this time.

Now, trust me when I say that I'm not sure I'm even ready to go back to work at this time, but I think about what I want to be doing when I am and a few things have come up. Namely, jobs that would be close to home so public transportation would not be an issue, and also a job where the people I work with are nice and understanding where there is not much pressure or stress.

I've worked as a receptionist before, and my background is in communications and media, so basically my thoughts circle around going back into a job where I can use these skills. I'm in a contemplative stage in my life, so I would love any suggestions.

I made it!

Well, I went to the engagement party last night and after fighting much anxiety and nausea caused by anxiety, I managed to make it through. Of course I always know I'm going to be able to do it (without throwing up too, mind you), but dealing with an anxiety disorder, these thoughts become magnified 1000 per cent and everything becomes so much more dramatic and I know a lot of people don't understand this, but it is very scary. Putting myself out there to socialize and mingle with 50 or so odd people, most of whom I've never met before, is really scary. It's true that some people without anxiety disorders may also find it scary, but for someone who fears about going to events like this or being in social situations due to a fear of vomiting in public, this sensation is severely heightened.

I have never actually vomited in public, mind you, except for one time in a restaurant when I was about 10 years old, but that single experience had stayed with me until now - almost 18 years later - and it's still so hard for me to go into a restaurant and eat. And since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, nausea has become a big part of my symptoms and the reason I avoid so many things, like public transportation, malls, and standing in lines. For a long time I was afraid to shop in grocery stores...but I don't want anxiety to control me and I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. I'm trying to put myself out there and go to my edge. It is so hard and it's taking so long. I am lucky because I have a great support system in my husband, best friend and her fiance and family, but I know my anxiety has been hard on them too, and not being able to fully understand what I'm going through is tough, but I thank my lucky stars that they are in my life because I'm afraid that I would be much worse off if they weren't.

Anxious Saturday

Well, not totally anxious. I am due to attend an engagement party tonight for my best friend and her fiance and although I totally want to go and support them and their pending union, I can't help but have anticipatory anxiety when thinking about it. It's being held at a really fancy "members-only" club, which in itself makes me nervous because I feel really weird around people who have money. And secondly, they've invited a ton of people so I'm nervous about the "mingling" aspect as well. My husband will be going with me, and he's great at talking with strangers, but I still fear that I'll feel uncomfortable while there. The positive thing for me is that my friend told me that the "light dinner" portion of the evening is simply buffet-style appetizers so I don't have to worry about being served a sit-down meal when eating in front of people or in a crowd is one of my biggest fears while dealing with anxiety. I get so nauseous that I feel like I'm going to throw up. I never do, of course, but nausea is my biggest symptom when I'm anxious and it's the worst feeling in the world. Wish me luck tonight!

Day 1

This is my first day and first foray into serious blogging. I feel that I've come to a point in my life where I no longer want to hide the fact that I have an anxiety disorder - panic and social anxiety disorders with mild agoraphobia, to be exact. I don't want to contribute to the stigma around mental illness and I feel that by not being honest about what I'm going through I'm not helping at all.

I will start off by giving some background on myself. I've been suffering from anxiety and depression my entire life, however I have only lived the past four years knowing what it is that I am living with. I had my first panic attack on the bus on the way to work four years ago. Shortly after that I became super tired on a daily basis with no energy and no motivation. Soon after that I became severely agoraphobic and couldn't even leave my house. It got so bad that my mother had to accompany me to all of my doctor appointments in an effort to find out what was actually going on in my body.

After months and months of tests my doctor finally concluded that what I had was not thyroid related or low blood sugar related or iron deficiency related, it was in fact anxiety related. She originally diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder although the diagnosis was later changed to panic disorder, social anxiety and mild agoraphobia. I was diagnosed with an illness that runs on my mother's side of the family, something genetic that I wasn't even aware of at the time.

So this is something I've been living with ever since. I've had many ups and downs over the past four years in terms of dealing with this. Right now I'm at a low point. I am currently on disability from my job and I'm currently taking Zoloft and seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist on a regular basis to assist me with my recovery.

One of the most important things I've learned while dealing with this condition is that I'm not alone, and oddly enough, the more people I tell about this, the more people tell me that they either are going through or have gone through the same thing or something similar. What??? That's right...many of my good friends have also been keeping their condition a secret and maybe by me saying something it might encourage them to say something or be more open with people about what they're going through.

Anyways, I think I have rambled on enough for my first post. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you and learning about yours. Please feel free to contact me at any time!

Most importantly, remember that you are not alone and we can and will get through this together eventually. I know it feels like the impossible right now, but I believe we can conquer this!