Happy New Year!

I want to take the time to wish all my readers a very Happy New Year! I hope 2009 is a better year for all of us, and that it brings nothing but good things. Having battled anxiety and depression for the better part of my life, I know it's not easy to overcome your fears and feelings, but I hope and pray that we get through this together. As my friend often says, "There's nowhere to go but up."

I also wanted to bring your attention to a nice article I read that inspires me to try harder to get better. Sometimes I fear that I will never overcome my anxiety and it scares me to death, but I have to stay positive. I have such a great support system and I know that things will get better. I want them to get better!

That said, have a safe and wonderful New Years eve and New Years day!

I'm spending New Years eve with a few friends in their home, and New Years day is always spent with my family. Hopefully all will all be good. I'm looking forward to spending a few days taking it easy and just being myself.

Related blogs

I just wanted to write a quick post to draw attention to my blogroll on the bottom right hand side of my blog. I have posted links of my favourite anxiety-related blogs that I read on a daily basis. I urge you to check them out as well. Also, if you have a blog that's not listed, or know of a great one that I have missed, please leave me a comment and I will add it. Please feel free to add mine to yours as well. I truly believe that we can help each other get through this. Thanks again for stopping by and reading mine. xo

Merry Christmas!

Well, I know this is a tad late, but better than never. I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I wasn't much in the Christmas spirit this year and it's usually my favourite holiday. It kind of crpt up on me this year and then I was racing around at the last minute trying to get stuff done. Oh...enough about me.

All the best to you and I hope you have a great New Year too!

Thank you also for your support and for reading my blog about me and my life. I will try to write more soon. xo

Twitter

Does anyone use this social media tool? I'm trying to learn how to use it and make if effective in helping to promote our dental hygiene spa business, but I have no idea what I'm doing or how it can help. Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated. :)

Follow-up

So the best my insurance company could offer (without having to go through a long appeal process, which would take at least a month to get any decision) is an extra two months of pay. So they're paying me through February. They took my psychiatrist's note into consideration and agreed to offer me an extra two months if I took the settlement now. Otherwise I would have to go through a long, drawn out appeal process, which, if rejected, would result in me still only getting paid through December. So I figured that accepting their settlement now and having it over and done with would allow me to keep my stress and anxiety to a minimum as well as having an extra couple months to figure things out and work my way back to working full-time. Better than nothing. I have heard horror stories of trying to appeal insurance company's decisions and I'm glad that I was able to resolve this quickly so I can move on.

So...it's not over yet ;)

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he was very upset at the decision made by my LTD insurance company. He spent most of our appointment writing a letter to them to reconsider my claim because he knows that I'm not ready to jump into a full-time position just yet. Hopefully this helps me and changes their mind because I really feel like I do need some more time. He also made sure to indicate that he gave me medical clearance to start a return to work program, NOT to return to work full-time now. Anyways, I'll keep you posted on what happens. Please keep me in your prayers. I need all the strength I can get right now. xo

It's been a rather crappy day for me

I just found out that my long-term disability will be terminated as of Dec. 31. What a nice Christmas present! The original plan was to look at working full time at my friend's dental hygiene spa around now, but that got changed and the new plan (which was also encouraged by my psychiatrist and rehabilitation specialist) was to start working part time by January and then then full time around March or April. How things can change on a dime! I'm now being pushed forward by my disability insurance company to embark on working 40 hours per week within the next two months.

Part of me is psyched at the challenge, and part of me is scared to death! It's also a fairly new office (they've only been open for two and a half months), and while business is steady, I didn't want to have to add the burden of paying me full-time to the mix of things so soon. They said that it's fine and that they'll take care of me, but I know it will be a bit financially stressful for them.

I know in the end things will be okay, and I'm trying to stay positive. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. xo

Feeling a little blue

The past little while I have been feeling rather down and (dare I say it?) depressed. I stopped taking Celexa a while back (which had helped stabilize my mood at the time) and now I am only on Gabapentin. I'm wondering if our crazy Toronto weather this fall is a contributing factor to my gloominess.

I have also been taking some green tea pills for the past month or so to help with the weight I gained while trying all sorts of antidepressants. I gained about 40 pounds while I was taking Effexor (about a year ago) and I haven't been able to lose any of the weight. So I bought some green tea pills from the Carrot Common's Dispensary store with the hopes that it will help speed up my metabolism and give me more energy as it states on the bottle.

So far I still haven't lost any weight or gained any more energy. Although I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping the past couple of weeks. Not sure if it's because there's alot on my mind or if it's the extra caffeine in the green tea pills (I do take them in the morning and at lunch so the caffeine shouldn't be effecting me at 11:00 p.m. when I try to sleep, right?).

Anyways, I feel like lately I have been experiencing a bit more anxiety than usual, and considering the fact that I was feeling so much better on the Gabapentin I'm a bit concerned because things were starting to really move forward to me and I really, really don't want to take any more steps back. Things are going pretty well for me and I want to keep up that momentum. Any suggestions?

Anyways, I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving this weekend! Take it easy and eat lots and lots of turkey!

Not much going on

I'm feeling a bit weird today; kind of been in a bit of a funk, I guess. I know it'll pass. I'm just finding it a little hard to cope today. Please keep me in your prayers.

Okay...I feel a little silly...

I just wanted to write a quick post because I just realized that so many people have been commenting on my posts and I've only just had the opportunity to read them now. I thought that I would receive an e-mail notification when someone commented, but apparently that has not been the case. So I figured that people were reading and not commenting. I am so sorry! Thank you for reading my posts and for all your wonderful comments. They have not been ignored (not intentionally, at least!). I hope that I am able to help and inspire some of you through my sharing. I will pay more attention to the comments section from now on.

Love and Blessings.

Happy Wednesday!

I am now completely off Celexa! It took me about six weeks to wean off the medication, but I'm free! Now I'm only still on Gabapentin, which I'm sure I'll be on for a while longer since that's the one that truly seems to be helping my anxiety.

While I was with my psychiatrist last week I asked him if Gabapentin might be one of the meds where "the benefits outweigh the risks" in terms of getting pregnant while on it. I mean, my husband and I aren't thinking about it just yet, but it's good to know just in case it happens. Not all things are planned.

Anyways, he told me that a great resource to call to find out about any meds and their safety with pregnancy is Motherisk. It's a program run through the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, and provides "evidence-based information and guidance about the safety or risk to the developing fetus or infant, of maternal exposure to drugs, chemicals, diseases, radiation and environmental agents."

They also have great sections on morning sickness and breastfeeding, so I thought I would share this valuable resource with my readers. You never know if you or someone else might be interested in this information.

The Secret

I watched The Secret movie on Thursday and it was very good. I gained a lot from it and would highly recommend it to everyone. I haven't read the book yet, but I would love to hear from anyone who has read and/or seen the movie to get your thoughts and perspectives.

My favourite quote in the movie was from Buddah:

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

I'm going to try really hard to incorporate this method of being and thinking into my every day life.

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth :)

I apologize for being such a bad blogger these past few months. I really don't know where the time has gone. A lot has happened for me. Fortunately, it's been mostly good stuff. I'l try to summarize the past few months in as short a post as possible.

The highlights for me have been getting on a new med called Neurontin (Gabapentin is the medical term) and it has helped me turn my anxiety around so much. I can't even describe how much it's made me feel more alive and confident to face my fears head-on. I am also still on Celexa at the same time, which was helping to stabilize my mood. I am now happy to report that my psychiatrist has given me the green light to taper off the Celexa, so in about six weeks I'll only be on the one med. This makes me happy because I hate having to take so many pills a day. With Neurontin I have to take one pill (300 mg) three times a day.

I am also in the process of starting a new job at a dental hygiene spa, which is so exciting for me (a friend and former colleague of mine is a hygienist and is opening her own practice where I will be working as office coordinator). I will probably be starting full time in September or October. Right now I am volunteering my time helping her get the practice running and all set up so she can start seeing clients. The concept is really cool - it's a place where you can have your teeth cleaned in a spa environment. You won't even feel like you're stepping into a dental practice. The colours are so warm and inviting, and there's a gorgeous fireplace in the reception area along with a bamboo arrangement and soothing aromatherapy scents are diffused to help you relax. There's also an amaxing dental chair you sit in that massages your back as you have your teeth cleaned. If you live in Toronto, let me know and I'll send you more information about it.

Anyways, I'm really excited about this new opportunity. I think it will definitely help my anxiety more than being in a corporate environment. I like the fact that it's going to help lower m stress and my friend knows about my anxiety and is super supportive too, so that's a definite plus.

I was also a bridesmaid in a wedding a couple weeks ago and I made it through with relatively minimal anxiety. Yay!!! I was so nervous anticipating the day, but I did it and was so proud of myself. It helped that my husband was an usher and he and I were paired to walk down the aisle together and placed beside each other at the head table.

I'm still seeing my psychiatrist and my psychotheraist on a fairly regular basis, but it's come to the point when I talk to my therapist that we end up wondering what to talk about in the last 20 minutes of our session, so we've agreed to taper those off a bit too.

I wouldn't say that I'm 100% better, but I was feeling so desperate that I'd never feel better again, and here I am a year later feeling like I can (somewhat) take on the world!

Thank you so much for reading this post and for those of you who have been keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I promise to write more often and let you know how things are going.

Love and Blessings to you.
xo

The past couple weeks...recap

I've been a bit of a blog slacker these past couple of weeks. My husband was really sick with brinchitis and we spent a lot of time going to see various doctors at walk-in clinics and even ended up in the ER as he reacted really badly to two of the antibiotics he was prescribed. Not fun! Oh yeah - my birthday fell in there somewhere but I spent it taking care of sickie over here. It was relaxing, nonetheless.

On Friday (after much encouragement from my therapist) I confronted my psychiatrist with some of the problems I have been experiencing while being a patient of his. I have to tell you, I was so anxious leading up to my appointment. I sat in the waiting room with my notebook writing, "It's okay to be anxious" over and over again. By the time he called me in to see him my anxiety had subsided a lot.

So I sat down with him and told him that I wanted to talk to him about something before we started. I told him that on his summary report of my progress that he sent to my LTD insurance company that he stated to them that I am still working part time (the stipulation of them granting me LTD payment was that I could not be working at all; he and I had discused this several times before so imagine my suprise when I received a call from my insurance company) and I told him yet again that I am not working at all. He claims that he thought I was working part time from home.

I used this to continue...I told him that it seems to be a pattern every time I see him that he asks me many of the same questions that I've previously answered, and that he doesn't seem to remember things from appointment to appointment, and that it hurts me and makes me think that he doesn't care about me. I told him that I feel like we don't have much of a relationship or rapport, and I feel that I just come in to get my prescription and leave and I need more from him as a medical professional.

He told me that he hopes he's not like this with all his patients and he doesn't feel like he has a good grasp on my case because mine is "unique" (in the fact that my "panic attacks" are generally only severe episodes of nausea, and that I had tried many SSRIs prior to seeing him but was at too low of a dosage that I wasn't able to have a proper trial run to see if they really worked or not). He also said that when I come into see him that I look and act like things are going just fine and that I'm not having a lot of trouble with my anxiety. I told him that's probably because I've put up a front for so long because I never wanted people to know what I was dealing with, that I've learned to "act" like that so people wouldn't think that there was anything wrong with me.

He also said that he's concerned with how long I've been off work (I've been home for a year now; have been not working at all since January). So I told him that despite this, I feel sometimes when I see him that my back's up against a wall and that I don't want to feel pressured to go back to work (although I have yet to tell him that I might be considering working somewhere else when the time comes to go back into the workforce).

Regarding prescribing Zoloft for me (which can cause weight gain) after he knew I had problems with gaining weight on Effexor, he admitted that he had forgotten and that most patients of his who gain weight on meds ask him if it can cause weight gain every time he prescribes something new. Not that it's my fault that I didn't mention something, but I did tell him that I thought it was the responsibility for the doctor to make a note of it and keep it top of mind.

In conclusion, he tells me that he's going to schedule longer sessions for us so we can go through things more thoroughly. He said he's also going to review my file more carefully before each appointment. He increased my dosage of Celexa and advised me to try and look for a CBT psychotherapist that specializes in panic disorders because he thinks that will help in addition to my current therapy. Although any of them that are covered through OHIP there is like a year-long weight. Any suggestions?

He also apologized for the way he's been treating me and appreciated my feedback. So, despite my hesitation it was worthwhile to tell him how I was feeling, and now I feel that I expended so much energy being anxious for nothing.

The psychiatry saga continues...

So I've spoken to my GP as well as the patient relations person at the hospital where I see my psychiatrist and it looks like I'm out of luck for the time being. Apparently the only option I have right now is to speak to my psychiatrist and let him know how I feel. My GP doesn't have that many that she could refer me to because psychiatrists are hard to come by, and the hospital says that there program is so full that it wouldn't be easy to just switch me to someone else. Bummer! So now what? Well, I saw my psychotherapist today she and I worked on how I could approach my psychiatrist to let him know the things that bother me. So I figured that if I can summon the courage to talk to him about at least a few of the things that make me uncomfortable about seeing him, then that might make me feel better and hopefully change things between us. If not, then it will just go back to me not caring and seeing him because I have to because he's the one who prescribes my meds and gives my insurance progress reports.

If any one knows of a good psychiatrist in Toronto who is accepting new patients, please let me know! I will let you know how things go with my current one as I'm scheduled to see him again next Friday, but I'm still keeping my options open if there's someone else I could be seeing who has more understanding and compassion for what I am going through.

Very useful web site...check it out!

I thought I would share this web site I found...RateMDs.com...where it allows you to rate your doctor(s) and you can also read what other patients have said about them. Doctors are rated in Canada, the U.S., the U.K., and Australia/New Zealand...you choose where you live and can see ratings for most doctors in all specialties. Doctors are rated on a scale of 1-5 based on punctuality, helpfulness, knowledge, and staff. I think it's a great tool for doing research on prospective doctors before you see them. As I realize it is only the opinions of the people who decide to take the time to rate, it would also have been useful to me had I looked up my psychiatrist on here prior to seeing him. I would have realized a long time ago what kind of medical professional he was. Glad to see I'm not the only one who views his services like this. He is a disgrace to the psychiatric profession, in my opinion.

Down for the count...

I've been completely housebound since Monday with a wretched cold. I've been trying to take it easy, rest, drink lots of fluids and try not to go through more than one box of Kleenex per day. I'm still feeling horrible, and now my husband has come down with it too. We're two sickies in a pod. Not fun since neither one of us will be able to "baby" the other while they're sick. We both have to buck up and get our own drinks...lol. Anyways, I hope you are all doing well. I just wanted to give you a heads-up on what's been going on with me since I haven't posted in a few days. I'm alive...just barely, but as soon as I kick this thing I will be up and running and posting a lot more. Wish I could kick my anxiety the way I can kick a cold!

Easter Weekend

I hope everybody had a really nice Easter weekend. Mine was pretty good. We spent Good Friday at home and just enjoyed the day relaxing and taking it easy. On Saturday we celebrated Easter and my brother's birthday with my side of the family. Then on Sunday my husband and I went to mass in the morning (it was packed!) and then had dinner with my in-laws. My husband took today off and we spent most of it relaxing as well. Much to my happiness, this weekend was pretty low-anxiety for me so I didn't spend too much energy being nervous and uncomfortable.

I also want to tell you about three fantastic books that I recently purchased on Amazon.ca:

The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free From Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by John P. Forsyth and Georg H. Eifert

From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett

I Don't Want To Be Crazy by Samantha Schutz

I have already read Lucinda Bassett and Samantha Schutz's books and I'm currently working through the Mindfulness workbook, but I highly recommend these three books to anyone dealing with an anxiety disorder. They are fantastic!!! Please e-mail me if you have any questions about any of them.

Great quotes...

I really wanted to share these with you, my readers...

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~ Henry Ward Beecher ~

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ~ Author Unknown ~

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal - and soon they'll forget my number. ~ Edith Armstrong ~

Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there. ~ Author Unknown ~

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. ~ Philip Gulley ~

Let me know if you have any of your own that you would like to share.

God in my life

I was born and raised Roman Catholic but I've never been overly religious or a very devout Christian. Until more recently. In battling my anxiety disorder I have become so much closer to God and my relationship with Him has developed a lot more. I find that I look to Him more often for guidance and strength. And I have to be honest, I think that my faith has been the one thing that has kept me going many times. For those of you who know what it's like to battle anxiety disorders on a daily basis, you can understand how hard it is to get motivated and hell, even get out of bed sometimes. I feel that God in my life has been a force and inspiration on many occasions where I needed help. Has anyone else experienced this or felt that God has helped them through hard times?

Prayer is a wonderful thing and I pray a lot that I will beat this thing one day. I have also started doing some research and listening to Christian music and have actually found some enjoyable artists. I would consider them to be more contemporary Christian or almost a pop music kind of feel. Anyways, if you're interested, check them out. I should note that so far I have only looked into female vocalists. I will get to the males eventually...I needed a starting point. And please send me your suggestions if you have any great artists you enjoy listening to when you need some inspiration or relaxation. I would love to hear from you!

Here are my newfound (female) artists:

Amanda Falk
Bethany Dillon
Jaci Valasquez
Joy Williams
Kristy Starling
Mandisa
Natalie Grant
Nichole Nordeman
Rachael Lampa
Rebecca St. James

Enjoy! :-)

Here I am!

I've been procrastinating in posting my next blog. For no other reason than general laziness, I suppose. Although my husband has been out of town on business for a week so I've been spending a lot of time at my parents' house...another reason I haven't posted in a while. Anyhow, I apologize and am now here to fill you in on the last few days in my life.

So, I saw my psychiatrist on Monday and I swear to God I wanted to slap him! I went in and sat down (after he accidentally skipped me and saw the person who was scheduled to see him after me) and explained that I wanted to change my meds from Zoloft to something else because since I've been on Zoloft (about a month and a half) I've gained about 15 lbs. Now, previously I had told him that the reason I had to get off Effexor (before I started seeing him) was because it had made me gain so much weight. I couldn't stop eating. It made me hungry all the time to the point where if I felt hungry and didn't eat I would feel faint. So back to Monday. I tell him I need to switch meds and you know what he says to me?

"Oh...I guess if I had remembered about your issues with weight gain and it had been on the top of my mind I would have never prescribed Zoloft for you. Many people gain weight on Zoloft."

Now you might be thinking that it was an innocent mistake that he forgot this, or didn't check my file before giving me Zoloft, but it's not. Since I've been seeing him (about 8-9 months), every appointment I am forced to tell him my whole life story and medical history because he's forgotten and can't bother to take five minutes before our appointments to review my file. I am so frustrated! I want to try and see someone else but I don't like confrontation and I also don't know how long it will be before I can get in to see someone else.

Anyways, so I had him give me a new prescription and I am now on Celexa. I have a few friends that have said it has helped them, so I'm really keeping my fingers crossed. If any of my readers have has experiences with this medication I would love to hear about it. The other ironic thing is that I asked my psychiatrist about Celexa the last time I saw him because I had heard good things about it, and he told me that Celexa is his number one choice to prescribe to patients with depression but not with anxiety. He said that he likes to stick to medications that have had more studies done regarding anxiety. Fair enough...but why then would he recommend it so eagerly to me this time instead of trying something else like Prozac (which he mentioned to me before)?

Has anyone else had such a rotten experience with a psychiatrist or someone else in the medical profession who is suppose to help you?

Not feeling too great

I haven't been feeling too great this week, which is why I haven't been writing. I've been laid up for most of the week due to a horrible migraine (I blame the severe weather changes we've been having in Toronto) and I'm still not feeling better. We got a huge dumping of snow yesterday and apparently there's more to come tomorrow. Now, I just love snow. No, really! I do. Just not when the temperatures go from warmer to freezing and cause my head to spin. Ugh! Thank goodness I live in an apartment so at least there's no shovelling when I feel like this.

This weekend

This weekend was a little busier for me than usual. I attended a family birthday party on Friday night and then dropped in on some friends on Saturday to see their new house. I have to say that the party on Friday, where there were about 30 people crammed into a very tight area, where I feel like I should have felt anxious, I wasn't. And on Saturday, where it was just my husband and I with our two friends, touring their house I felt super anxious. Does this make any sense to you? Normally I'm okay when it's just a few people, but a basketcase in a crowd. Either way, I have to congratulate myself for making it through both situations, right? And even though I felt nauseous on Saturday, of course I never threw up. I just have to keep that in mind that no matter how nauseous I get when I'm anxious, I've never actually thrown up from it.

On another note, I'm noticing that since I've been on Zoloft (which has only been a few weeks) I've been super hungry all the time and as a result have gained a bit of weight. It happened when I was on Effexor too years ago, so I had to switch meds at that time. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next Monday so I'm going to tell him that I think I need to try something else, because for those of you who have experienced weight gain due to meds, it is really not fun. And for me, I have trouble losing weight as it is, so I would rather not add more pounds to the equation. I think it'll be okay though. I mean, the Zoloft seems to be helping my depression but not so much the anxiety, so we'll see what he suggests next.

Career Contemplation

I'm not sure if I'm actually ready to return to the workforce, but I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I think I should do, or where I feel that I should work. I've sort of come to the conclusion that aside from an environment that is not super stressful, location will play a big part in my decision. I know that I shouldn't let my anxiety control where I should work, but realistically, I have to think about the fact that my anxiety has relapsed in the past, and I know moving towards the future that I can't just stop working every time that happens. So, keeping that in mind, I know that it is important for me to find employment close to home (in walking distance, if possible).

With that said, I have recently applied to two administration jobs and one media job. I have not heard back from any of them yet, but I figure that at this stage, since I'm not certain I'm ready to go back to work now, I can allo myself to be selective in the jobs I apply for. My therapist, at our last session, suggested that while I am contemplating my next career move I should create a list of all the criteria I can think of that would make up my dream job. It could be as far out there as possible, and as materialistic or silly as I can think of, but what would make up my perfect job.

I know you're probably thinking, "What the heck is the point?" However, my therapist had a good point in making this suggestion. She said that if I visualize everything I want in a job, then I have a more clear idea in my head of what I'm looking for when I'm searching. Now I know that it is unlikely that I will get everything on my list, but having a wish list on paper may make it easier for me to narrow down all the thoughts dancing in my head about potential career choices.

*Sigh*

While trying to cope and get through my anxiety disorder I've spent a lot of time thinking. I feel that I'm at a sort of crossroads in my life and I'm not really sure what's next. I'm 80 per cent sure that I want to change career paths, but I'm not certain of what that is. Truth is, I would love to be able to counsel people who have anxiety issues as I would fully be able to understand what it is they are going through, but the trouble is I'm not wanting to go back to school in order to fulfill this dream. Nor do I have the money at this time.

Now, trust me when I say that I'm not sure I'm even ready to go back to work at this time, but I think about what I want to be doing when I am and a few things have come up. Namely, jobs that would be close to home so public transportation would not be an issue, and also a job where the people I work with are nice and understanding where there is not much pressure or stress.

I've worked as a receptionist before, and my background is in communications and media, so basically my thoughts circle around going back into a job where I can use these skills. I'm in a contemplative stage in my life, so I would love any suggestions.

I made it!

Well, I went to the engagement party last night and after fighting much anxiety and nausea caused by anxiety, I managed to make it through. Of course I always know I'm going to be able to do it (without throwing up too, mind you), but dealing with an anxiety disorder, these thoughts become magnified 1000 per cent and everything becomes so much more dramatic and I know a lot of people don't understand this, but it is very scary. Putting myself out there to socialize and mingle with 50 or so odd people, most of whom I've never met before, is really scary. It's true that some people without anxiety disorders may also find it scary, but for someone who fears about going to events like this or being in social situations due to a fear of vomiting in public, this sensation is severely heightened.

I have never actually vomited in public, mind you, except for one time in a restaurant when I was about 10 years old, but that single experience had stayed with me until now - almost 18 years later - and it's still so hard for me to go into a restaurant and eat. And since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, nausea has become a big part of my symptoms and the reason I avoid so many things, like public transportation, malls, and standing in lines. For a long time I was afraid to shop in grocery stores...but I don't want anxiety to control me and I'm trying to cope with it the best I can. I'm trying to put myself out there and go to my edge. It is so hard and it's taking so long. I am lucky because I have a great support system in my husband, best friend and her fiance and family, but I know my anxiety has been hard on them too, and not being able to fully understand what I'm going through is tough, but I thank my lucky stars that they are in my life because I'm afraid that I would be much worse off if they weren't.

Anxious Saturday

Well, not totally anxious. I am due to attend an engagement party tonight for my best friend and her fiance and although I totally want to go and support them and their pending union, I can't help but have anticipatory anxiety when thinking about it. It's being held at a really fancy "members-only" club, which in itself makes me nervous because I feel really weird around people who have money. And secondly, they've invited a ton of people so I'm nervous about the "mingling" aspect as well. My husband will be going with me, and he's great at talking with strangers, but I still fear that I'll feel uncomfortable while there. The positive thing for me is that my friend told me that the "light dinner" portion of the evening is simply buffet-style appetizers so I don't have to worry about being served a sit-down meal when eating in front of people or in a crowd is one of my biggest fears while dealing with anxiety. I get so nauseous that I feel like I'm going to throw up. I never do, of course, but nausea is my biggest symptom when I'm anxious and it's the worst feeling in the world. Wish me luck tonight!

Day 1

This is my first day and first foray into serious blogging. I feel that I've come to a point in my life where I no longer want to hide the fact that I have an anxiety disorder - panic and social anxiety disorders with mild agoraphobia, to be exact. I don't want to contribute to the stigma around mental illness and I feel that by not being honest about what I'm going through I'm not helping at all.

I will start off by giving some background on myself. I've been suffering from anxiety and depression my entire life, however I have only lived the past four years knowing what it is that I am living with. I had my first panic attack on the bus on the way to work four years ago. Shortly after that I became super tired on a daily basis with no energy and no motivation. Soon after that I became severely agoraphobic and couldn't even leave my house. It got so bad that my mother had to accompany me to all of my doctor appointments in an effort to find out what was actually going on in my body.

After months and months of tests my doctor finally concluded that what I had was not thyroid related or low blood sugar related or iron deficiency related, it was in fact anxiety related. She originally diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder although the diagnosis was later changed to panic disorder, social anxiety and mild agoraphobia. I was diagnosed with an illness that runs on my mother's side of the family, something genetic that I wasn't even aware of at the time.

So this is something I've been living with ever since. I've had many ups and downs over the past four years in terms of dealing with this. Right now I'm at a low point. I am currently on disability from my job and I'm currently taking Zoloft and seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist on a regular basis to assist me with my recovery.

One of the most important things I've learned while dealing with this condition is that I'm not alone, and oddly enough, the more people I tell about this, the more people tell me that they either are going through or have gone through the same thing or something similar. What??? That's right...many of my good friends have also been keeping their condition a secret and maybe by me saying something it might encourage them to say something or be more open with people about what they're going through.

Anyways, I think I have rambled on enough for my first post. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you and learning about yours. Please feel free to contact me at any time!

Most importantly, remember that you are not alone and we can and will get through this together eventually. I know it feels like the impossible right now, but I believe we can conquer this!